Less than a year to go...

I'm back. I'm more determined than ever. I've just started my second round of Gold's Gym Body Boot Camp. Round one was a killer, by far the hardest workouts I've done in a long time! It was a class that consisted of a preassessment of a two minute count of sit-ups and push-ups, a one minute mile run, and body measurements. Then there were the workouts. Oh man. One hour classes that met three times a week for four weeks. The workouts consisted of jumping jacks, sit-ups, push-ups, mountain climbers, burpees, burpees, and more burpees. Lots and lots of cardio along weigh some weight training. Never once did I leave class without a sweat-soaked shirt! After four weeks, there was another round of assessments and measurements. Here are my results:

Some notes about my results:

Starting weight: 248 pounds

Today's weight: 238 pounds

During my pre-assessment, I couldn't complete a full sit-up. So my instructor allowed me to do crunches. I made it to 60. By the end of this series, I could do 25 FULL sit-ups for my post-assessment! (Hopefully that explains the negative reps in my results above!) 

The body measurements are the hardest numbers to swallow. While I had hoped for more inches lost, I'm happy to see that body fat percentage dropping. 

So here I am, 51 weeks to go until my 40th birthday. 51 weeks to reach my goal  of health, happiness, and loving myself! 

~jen

So tired...

I stepped on the scale today. After weeks of no activity and eating whatever I wanted, I've gained 17 pounds. 

I can't even begin to share the self-loathing I feel at this very moment. Tears are imminent. Defeated doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. All the while there is the inner voice in a snide tone saying "You knew better. You only have yourself to blame. What were you thinking eating all that crap?".

Here I am at the freaking starting line again. 17 pounds heavier. Defeated and broken. Tired. So very tired of being fat. 

~jen

Do-Over Weigh-In Results

Do-Over Starting Weight: 247 pounds

Week One Results: 241 pounds

Weight Loss: 6 pounds

It's been a good week. I've made some changes to my diet (decreased my eating out, especially at breakfast time), and started drinking one Herbalife shake each day. I can't honestly say I committed myself to an exercise plan this past week. But I've got a goal for this week. 

Monday- walk 18 holes at Cade's tournament (approximate 5-6 miles).

Tuesday- walk 18 holes at Cade's tournament.

Wednesday- walk 18 holes at Cade's tournament.

Thursday- walk 2-3 miles in the morning, lap swim for 30-45 minutes after work.

Friday- rest day.

Saturday- Amarillo Color Run (5K). 

I'm excited to see next week's weigh-in results with all this planned exercise! 

Summertime

I love summer. Blue skies. Warm temperatures. Sunshine. Tanned skin. Driving around town with the car windows down. Radio turned up loud. Sitting pool side.

But there's a heightened feeling of insecurity. Bathing suits. Shorts. Sleeveless tops. All the things that I want to avoid. 

I can't remember the last time I actually got in a pool. 

When I go to the pool, I'm covered from head to toe (and not to protect my skin from sun damage). I don't want anyone to see my flabby dimpled bits. I sit poolside and stare enviously at those brave enough to bare it all- often times too much "all". I have no desire to bare it "all" (even if I had the perfect body to!). I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. To jump into that pool fearlessly and secure of who I am. Flabby, dimpled bits and all. 

~jen

Starting Over (again)

I *may* have hit rock-bottom. (Again). I find myself "starting over". I fell off the wagon weeks ago and after grazing along the way, I've picked up 11 extra pounds. 11 flipping pounds. I bargained with myself this morning as I stepped on the scale. Telling myself I'd be ok with 3 or 4 gained pounds. But 11 pounds. Dang-it. 

The Color Run is 12 days away. Ummm, I don't even have to tell you I'm not ready for this race. I'll be walking my hiney, along with my 11 extra pounds, across this finish line. Double dang-it. 

~Deep sigh~

Starting over sucks. 

Do-over starting weight: 247 pounds

Here's hoping to better results this time....

~jen

I'm Mad

Well, it's been a few weeks without a post. Guess you could say I've "fallen off the wagon" and skidded across the dirt road named "I Don't Care", which intersects with "Might As Well Give Up".

And now I find myself mad. Pissed off. (I know... that's a harsh word. If you feel as though it's a sin... go ahead and pray for me if you need to.). But, I am pissed. (Yes, I said it again.) I'm mad that I let the last 4 1/2 weeks pass by with little to no regard to the work that I should be doing. Instead, there were skipped workouts. Grazing in front of the fridge. The occasional 2 (or 5) cookies. Let me think about how many times we ate out over the last few weeks.... one, two, three, four... ummm. Chick-fil-A tonight makes five. Maybe six? Oh crap, I can't remember. Too many to count. I'm mad as I look back at the Biggest Loser contestants' before and after pictures. My current weight is near some of their starting weights. Look at where they are now. I'm mad at the Facebook pictures and posts made by the fitness pages I follow. These girls keep posting pictures of themselves in front of the gym mirrors while they workout and its pissing me off! I don't care what workout they did today! You know what I did today? Worked 9 hours without a break. Wasn't able to stop to pee for 6 hours. Was so mentally exhausted by the time I got home (to a dirty, messy house, with last night's dishes still in the sink), that I didn't want to get out and go run/walk in the 68 degree and NO WIND perfect spring weather. (By the way, did the earth stop spinning because there was no wind in Amarillo today!?!) And the thing that ticks me off the most.... I either have to get up at 4:35 and get to the gym by 5 in the morning and work out, or I have to go in the evening after a long day of work and end up leaving Cade at home by himself. But after work, there's dinner... and homework, and laundry, and cleaning. Yeah, let me squeeze in a workout, too. Man, it must be nice to be at the gym at 10:00 in the morning taking pictures of yourself working out. You know, if I didn't have a J-O-B, I'd be at the gym all the damn day! (Go ahead and say another prayer for that curse word!) AND, I'd also have a clean house and a home cooked, healthy dinner on the table every night at six!

~deep sigh~

I'm mad that I've let myself down. I'm no where near ready for next weekend's Color Run. I ran last night and couldn't run longer than a couple of minutes at a time and I was giving up and walking. I'll be "running" along side my two fit sisters-in-law, slowing them down. What a disappointment.

~deep sigh~

I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of starting over. I'm tired of being fat. Tonight, I'm just plain tired. I know I'm having a full on pity party for myself right now. But, tonight... this is where I am.

~jen

Weigh In Results

Starting weight: 249
Week five results: 239.5
Current weight: 236
Total weight loss: 13 pounds

I weighed in today to reset my "weigh in day" due to my upcoming vacation. I don't plan on weighing in while on vacation! Now, I don't plan on going all crazy and blowing the weight loss that I have worked so HARD for, either! I plan on taking advantage of the hotel's gym each day and get a workout in just as I would if I was home. I plan on doing a lot of sightseeing and the extra walking will hopefully offset enjoying a Los Angeles oceanside dinner and a Las Vegas buffet meal or two!
~jen

Weigh In Results

Starting weight: 249
Week four weigh in: 239.5
Current weight: 239.5
Total weight loss: 9.5 pounds


Well, I said I would post the good, bad, and the ugly.  This weigh in would be categorized as a "bad".  The scale didn't move.  Zero.  Nada.  NOTHING. 

Did I cheat?  No.  I stayed on track every day.  However, I noticed My Fitness Pal app reminding me on more than a few occasions that I had been consuming too few calories and that I would not see weight loss results.  Hmmm.... maybe that thing was right!

Did I exercise?  Well.... yes... and no.  I took Wednesday-Friday off.  My shins were killing me and I just needed a break. 

So, here I sit with a big ole zero pounds lost this week.  On the bright side, it's not a gain, right?  :)

I'll keep pressing on.  The journey is long.  Many more miles to go.   

~jen

Weigh In Results

Starting weight: 249
Week three weigh in: 242
Current weight: 239.5
Total weight loss: 9.5 pounds

I wish I could say after four weeks of doing this that it's getting easier, but it's not. Every day is a battle... a fight... to get up and go to the gym, to run on the treadmill (all the while dealing with my shins feeling as though they are literally splitting apart!), and make good food choices during the day. Then repeat those steps each day.

I'd like to see "biggest loser" numbers on that scale on weigh in day, but I know slow and steady weight loss will lead to keeping that weight off long term.

So I'm owning that 2.5 pound weight loss today. And the 9.5 pounds I've lost since starting this blog. And the 30+ pounds I've lost since last year.

My goal for this journey... the strength to never give up and peace with the scale.

Because I'm more than a number on the scale.

~jen

Weigh In Results

Starting weight: 249
Week two weigh in: 244
Current weight: 242
Total weight lost: 7 pounds

My goal this week in my Made to Crave bible study is peace. Peace on the scale. Peace with food choices. Just finding peace. I am worth more than just a number on the scale and I have to find peace in that.

Have a good week everyone. Stay on track. Make good food choices. Make a commitment to find time to exercise.

Find your peace through your own journey.

~jen

Disclipline

Discipline is doing what you know needs to be done, even though you don't want to.

Tonight Michael and I were invited to a Super Bowl party hosted by Michael's boss. I've been somewhat dreading this party for I knew there was going to be a fabulous catered dinner complete with appetizers and desserts.

Would I be able to resist the temptation to overindulge?

Would I be strong enough to say no?

I prepared for this evening eating very well during the day. I banked some calories from breakfast and lunch just for this evening.

I had a heathy snack and glass of water just before going to the party.

The food was exceptional. The desserts... oh my. The looked and smelled fabulous.

But, I chose wisely. Small portions of 1-2 main dishes and a small sample of a dessert.

I think all in all, I did well tonight! It was hard to not have a small portion of everything. Or go back for seconds or thirds of appetizers! Don't get me started on what I could have done with those desserts!

I am super proud of myself and the choices I made tonight! I can go into my weigh in tomorrow feeling secure in the decisions I made, not only today, but everyday this past week!

Stay disciplined! Stay focused! Do what needs to be done!

~jen

Personal Best!

(This is for me. For that day that will come when I want to give in. Here's a reminder to me of how hard I've worked and how far I've come in just a month. Philippians 4:13)

Personal best on the elliptical today!
45 minutes 6.74 miles 722 calories burned

I CAN Do This

Pardon me while I do my own HaPpY DaNcE... today I completed Day One of Week Three of my Couch to 5K program. I have always quit at this point because I just couldn't get through this workout. There's really no more total running time from Week Two to Week Three (in fact there may actually be less running time in Week Three's workouts), the duration of runs is just longer... THREE MINUTE RUNS. Three minutes isn't that long in normal everyday time, but three minutes RUNNING, seems like an eternity. (I realize that the duration of running will get longer in the program, but right now I need to wrap my mind around three whole minutes of running!) But, I did it. Every second of each minute was ran. I didn't decrease the speed on the treadmill until I heard the "ding" telling me to walk.

I DID IT! And I'm NOT quitting this time!

Weigh In Results

Starting weight: 249
Week one weigh in: 248
Current weight: 244
Total weight loss: 5 pounds

Yesterday while doing laundry, I bent over to pick up some dirty clothes. As I stood up, I immediately felt a burning, sharp pain radiate through my lower back and with each step the pain intensified. I spent the rest of the day laying on the couch.
So, that means it is slow going starting off week three. No Couch to 5K today, just a light stroll on the treadmill this morning.
Injuries are an unfortunate part of exercising (and apparently laundry is a hazard as well!) and adjustments have to be made to stay on course.
So while this feels like a setback, I have to keep reminding myself to take the necessary adjustments to let what's "broken" heal. Praying for a quick recovery so I can get back on track!
~jen

Weigh-In Nerves

Tomorrow is Weigh-In day.  There's always a nervousness before weigh-ins.  Did I stay on track this past week?  Did I exercise as I planned?  Did I make healthy choices?  I can honestly answer those questions with a "YES"! I did have movie theater popcorn (with butter) Friday night.  But, I ate smaller portions during the day knowing that I would have a special treat that night.  I exercised one extra day to also make up for that special treat. 
Even when following a healthy eating plan and a work-out plan, there can still be disappointment on the scale. 
But, that's ok.  It's not a reason to give up.  I'll keep pressing on.  I pledge to never see my highest weight on a scale EVER again.
~jen 

Post Work-Out Fuel

This is my FAVORITE post work-out snack.

1T Better 'N Peanut Butter (50 calories)
1/2 banana, sliced (45 calories)
1 slice Sugar Free Whole Grain Wheat bread, toasted (60 calories)

For more post work-out snacks, check out this article!
http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/recipes/snacks/low-calorie/after-workout-snacks/

~jen

It's what's for dinner!

Fish Tacos with Cilantro Lime Yogurt Sauce

Pan seared Tilapia filets with a little EVOO and seasoned with Fajita seasoning
Grilled onions and bell peppers
Whole grain white corn tortillas
Cilantro lime yogurt sauce (plain Greek yogurt mixed with 2T chopped cilantro, 1 green onion, and the juice of 1/2 of a lime)

Weigh In Results

Week One:
Starting weight: 249 pounds
Current weight: 248 pounds
Total weight loss: 1 pound

Deep sigh. One pound is super disappointing. But, looking at the glass as half-full rather than half-empty, it's a pound lost and I'm one step closer to my goal.

I have two choices, be frustrated with one lousy pound and let it ruin my day (make bad food choices) or I can accept it, appreciate that it was a loss rather than a gain and press on.

I've got a long road ahead of me and I'm pressing on.

~jen

Do The Thing You Think You Cannot Do

As I mentally prepare myself for this upcoming week, I have to keep reminding myself that I CAN DO THIS.  I can get up at 4:35 every morning.  Get dressed.  Teeth brushed.  Hair pulled back.  Grab a water bottle and drive myself to the gym.  It's a process... and it doesn't end when I walk into the gym.  There's the actual work-out that needs to be done.  There's the little voice in my head that says you can't do this.  I picture a fat me on one shoulder and a fit me on the other.  One voices doubt, the other encouragement.  It's a battle most mornings.  But slowly, the fit me is winning the battle.

Keep telling yourself... YOU CAN DO THIS! 
~jen 

My Breakfast Routine

I <3 my Nutribullet! It blends up the most perfect smoothies. It blasts through frozen fruit and nuts with ease! I have at least one spinach and fruit smoothie a day!

Today's breakfast smoothie:
A couple of handfuls of baby spinach
4 whole strawberries
1/2 cup pineapple with a splash of pineapple juice
1/2 cup frozen mixed berries
1-2 tsp flax seed
Splash of Orange Juice
Water

I'll drink this with a Yoplait Greek 100 calorie yogurt.

It's what's for breakfast today!

From Fat to Forty

From Fat to Forty was created to journal being fat at 38 to becoming fit by 40. 

Weight has been an issue for the majority of my adult life.  Over the last 20 years I've watched my weight yo-yo from the 130's in my late teens to as much as 270 in my late 30's. I've tried numerous diets, countless "I'll start again on Monday" speeches, 20 years worth of failed lose-the-weight New Year's Resolutions, and I have several weight loss videos collecting dust in the TV stand.

I've struggled with self-image since my teen years.  I can remember wishing as a young teenager to be thinner.  I weighed 130 my senior year and wore a size 8-10. I remember thinking and telling myself that I was fat. If only that girl knew where she'd be 20 years later.  If she thought she was fat then... oh my... she didn't know what fat was!  She would never guess that 20 years later her senior prom dress and graduation outfit would hang in her closet as a reminder of what she thought fat looked like.      

Looking back, there is no there's-where-the-weight-came-on moment.  It's been a slow, steady progression from 130 pounds to 270 pounds in the last 20 years.  There were two babies, a college education, the ups and downs of marriage, financial burdens, but no significant event that caused the weight.  It just happened.  One day I woke up, stood on the scale, and it read 270. TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY POUNDS. Holy donkey balls. How could I have let my weight get so out of control?!?  Seriously.

Last spring I made a decision to lose the weight.  I downloaded a Couch to 5K fitness app to my iPhone and also started using the My Fitness Pal app.  I went from 270 pounds to 238 pounds from April-August of last year. I exercised regularly.  I started seeing and feeling the results.  Then old habits took over.  Cody (my oldest son) left for college.  School started for Caden (my youngest son).  Work became more stressful (I'm a Hospice nurse).  1 cookie turned into 4 (my favorite... chocolate chip). Workouts became fewer and fewer.  Pants started fitting more snugly.  Then the numbers on the scale started climbing.  238 went to 240 then to 245 then to 249.  Time to put the brakes on before 249 turns to 270 and beyond!  Because that's usually what happens.  Lost pounds that creep back tend to find more pounds.  And before you know it you're 20 pounds heavier than you were at your heaviest weight! Hello new heaviest weight!  Ugh... the cycle of lost and found pounds.

So here it is another new year.  Another New Year's Resolution to lose the weight.  I'm on week 2 of hitting the gym 5 days a week (AT FIVE IN THE FREAKING MORNING!).  I've restarted (this is probably my 10th time to restart it!) my Couch to 5K running program.  I signed up for my first 5K in April (The Color Run in Dallas!).  I started the Made to Crave bible study.  And now this blog.  Something has got to work, right?

So here's the skinny on what to expect:
~Complete honesty.  Tell it like it is and nothing less.
~Weekly weigh-in results. The good and the bad.  Because I know there will be a bad week in there!
~Motivation for myself and maybe someone else who's struggling with weight.
~Recipes and fitness tips.






The numbers:
(This is where the honesty comes in.  It's raw and embarrassing.  It's tears-rolling-down-my-cheeks honesty. It's what I've tried to hide from Michael (my husband) and dreaded at every doctor's appointment.)
~deep breath~

Current weight: 249 pounds
Current clothing sizes: Pants- 20 Tops 1-2X

Where I want to be: 140-150 pounds. But, more importantly than the number... Healthy, Happy, and Fit at 40.

I welcome your comments, your encouragement, and most importantly your prayers. 

From Fat to Forty starts now. 

~jen