I'm Mad

Well, it's been a few weeks without a post. Guess you could say I've "fallen off the wagon" and skidded across the dirt road named "I Don't Care", which intersects with "Might As Well Give Up".

And now I find myself mad. Pissed off. (I know... that's a harsh word. If you feel as though it's a sin... go ahead and pray for me if you need to.). But, I am pissed. (Yes, I said it again.) I'm mad that I let the last 4 1/2 weeks pass by with little to no regard to the work that I should be doing. Instead, there were skipped workouts. Grazing in front of the fridge. The occasional 2 (or 5) cookies. Let me think about how many times we ate out over the last few weeks.... one, two, three, four... ummm. Chick-fil-A tonight makes five. Maybe six? Oh crap, I can't remember. Too many to count. I'm mad as I look back at the Biggest Loser contestants' before and after pictures. My current weight is near some of their starting weights. Look at where they are now. I'm mad at the Facebook pictures and posts made by the fitness pages I follow. These girls keep posting pictures of themselves in front of the gym mirrors while they workout and its pissing me off! I don't care what workout they did today! You know what I did today? Worked 9 hours without a break. Wasn't able to stop to pee for 6 hours. Was so mentally exhausted by the time I got home (to a dirty, messy house, with last night's dishes still in the sink), that I didn't want to get out and go run/walk in the 68 degree and NO WIND perfect spring weather. (By the way, did the earth stop spinning because there was no wind in Amarillo today!?!) And the thing that ticks me off the most.... I either have to get up at 4:35 and get to the gym by 5 in the morning and work out, or I have to go in the evening after a long day of work and end up leaving Cade at home by himself. But after work, there's dinner... and homework, and laundry, and cleaning. Yeah, let me squeeze in a workout, too. Man, it must be nice to be at the gym at 10:00 in the morning taking pictures of yourself working out. You know, if I didn't have a J-O-B, I'd be at the gym all the damn day! (Go ahead and say another prayer for that curse word!) AND, I'd also have a clean house and a home cooked, healthy dinner on the table every night at six!

~deep sigh~

I'm mad that I've let myself down. I'm no where near ready for next weekend's Color Run. I ran last night and couldn't run longer than a couple of minutes at a time and I was giving up and walking. I'll be "running" along side my two fit sisters-in-law, slowing them down. What a disappointment.

~deep sigh~

I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of starting over. I'm tired of being fat. Tonight, I'm just plain tired. I know I'm having a full on pity party for myself right now. But, tonight... this is where I am.

~jen