Day 41

I've battled my weight for the last 22 years. Twenty-two years. 

In high school I thought I was fat. Especially my senior year. I have my senior prom dress and graduation outfit still hanging in my closet. They are size 11/12. I weighed 128# in May of 1993. 

May 1993

I'd like to go back and tell my 17 year old self she was not "fat". If the 17 year old Jennifer only knew where she'd be 22 years later... oh the heartache I could have saved her. 

There's lots of things I wish I could go back and do over. I wish I hadn't spent the last 22 years yo-yoing with my weight. I can't even begin to count how many times I started a weight loss journey, only to stumble and fall. Then inevitably gain back lost pounds plus tack on a few extras. I've probably lost and gained the same 20-30 pounds 10 times! At my heaviest (2012), I weighed 268 pounds. 

Every once in a while I'll pull out that prom dress and graduation outfit. The memories of those moments come flooding back. Even though I felt like I was "fat" then, it didn't keep that fearless spirit from shining. I miss that spirit. Over the years it's been overshadowed by insecurities. Tears in a fitting room as I try on larger and larger sized clothing. Fear of walking into a trendy boutique store to discover they don't carry clothes in my size. Humiliation. Two words... family photos. Trying to hide behind my children. There's no hiding now as one is 6'2" and the other will soon be as tall as me! I don't like shopping with my skinnier friends because I have to shop in a "special" area of the store. Mirrors. I have to be at the back of the gym during aerobics. The list goes on and on. 

Every new year... the same resolution... lose weight. That's 22 years of failed resolutions.

I think this battle has gone on long enough and it's time to make real and lasting changes both inside and outside.

Lysa TerKeurst writes in Made to Crave, 

"I was made for more than to be stuck in a viscious cycle of defeat." 

Deuteronomy 2:3, "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north." 

It's time to stop circling my mountain.

41 days ago I signed up for a weight loss challenge through Live Well Fit (a local, women's only gym). 

41 days ago I met the most amazing fitness instructor who has challenged me, encouraged me, and changed me. 

I've journaled every bite of food, planned or unplanned. I've worked out harder and more consistently than I ever have. I've stuck to mostly "clean" foods. No McDonalds, Chick fil A, or Sonic. I've cut out eating out, with the exception of a meal or two with coworkers, friends, and family meals. I've begun preparing healthy meals at home. My pantry no longer carries a wide variety of processed, packaged junk. My fridge is kept full of fruits, veggies, and protein rich foods. Water is my go to drink. Shakeology has completely changed my morning breakfast routine! 

In 41 days, I've lost 11.2 pounds and 11.25 inches.

We've heard all along that the success to lasting weight loss is clean eating and exercise. I don't even like to use the word diet. It's a lifestyle change. Nothing is forbidden or "bad"... everything is allowed in moderation and is portion controlled. Life isn't about carrot sticks and counting calories. Life is enjoying the foods we consume, not being consumed by food. 

There's a voice in my head that keeps telling me I've been here before and I've failed. There's a constant fear of failing. What if this time isn't any different than all the other times I tried to lose the weight before?  But... what if I don't fail? What if I succeed this time? That fear of failing keeps me in check... keeps me from pulling into a fast food place and ordering a hamburger and fries. It keeps me going to those 5AM workouts and walking 4 miles. It keeps me on course.

I don't know what the future holds.  I'll be honest and confess that I'm scared for this challenge to end. I'm scared old habits will sneak their way in. I'm scared of failing. 

I started this blog as a diary of this weight loss journey. My fitness instructor keeps telling me that I will inspire someone through this process. Maybe. I just want to be better than I was yesterday. I have less than seven months until my 40th birthday.  I can't wait to see what the 40 year old Jennifer looks like. I hope she's happier, healthier, and fearless. 

~jen