The Thief

40 has come and gone.

I'm now 40 years and 30 days old. 

Now there's this... now what? feeling.

The first 30 days of being 40 have been... rough.

My focus... scattered.

My drive... missing.

My determination... lost.

How can so much change in just 30 days? 

It's like a light switch turned off and now I'm fighting my way through the darkness to find the light switch again. 

I went to my family doctor a couple of weeks ago. 

I can't sleep. I'm irritable. Sad. Lost. 

Tears flowed as I described my symptoms. 

The diagnosis: Depression. I knew it before he said the word because I've been there before.

 

The winter season. The cold. Darkness. Work. Turning 40. Life. All of it has become a little too much. Just enough to tip the scale between being happy and sad.

So... it's time to fight to tip the scale the other way. It's always a fight to keep the sadness away. The little voices. The demon who comes to steal. Stealing happiness, hope, focus, determination, and drive. 

A new journey must begin. From Fat to Forty... and Beyond...

John 10:10

~jen

Progress... A Year Later

I ordered this shirt online last fall from the cutest boutique and was so excited for it to arrive! I just love Miranda Lambert and the quote on the shirt is one of my favorites... "Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady". Because, I know I can be a little crazy from time to time and need to be reminded to act like a "lady"! 

The shirt arrived and I was so excited to put it on... only to discover it was too small. I had ordered the largest size available and returning it would be just too much of a hassle. I didn't want the extra expense the return would cost me, either. So, I hung it in my closet and thought... Maybe next year it'll fit. I was so defeated in that moment.

A year later. It fits. 

Progress. 

32 days and counting till 40...

~jen

Tick-tock

38 days and counting. I can't believe I'm about to turn forty. I remember when my parents turned forty! Now it's my turn.

I started this blog on January 19th, 2013.  I've had my ups and my downs on this journey. I'm no where near where I had hoped to be when I started. But I can say I have stuck with this over the last six months more strongly than I ever have since I began this journey. I'm 25 pounds lighter than I was when I started this blog. I'm down 2-4 pant sizes (depends on the pant!). I'm more fit. I am stronger. I am more determined than ever to reach my goal weight. It may take me another year to reach it. And that is going to have to be ok. 

I am really digging in deep these last 38 days. Clean foods. Water. Workouts. Positive thinking. I may not be where I wanted to be at this point, but I'm so far from who I was when I started. 

~jen

Yo-Yo Dieting and Progress

I started using the My Fitness Pal app again a couple of weeks ago. Two things that really caught my attention: my starting weight of 268 pounds (June 2011) and this progress chart. Can you say "yo-yo dieting"? 

This picture was around the time that I was nearing 270 pounds. Let me spell that out for you: TWO HUNDRED and SEVENTY pounds. It's hard to look at pictures of myself from back then. Nope, not fun at all.

Back to that progress chart...

It's also really difficult to look at, too. All those hopes of "this time will be different" after falling off the wagon. Each and every time I quit, that hope was broken. I'm not sure why. Maybe progress slowed or stopped. Maybe I let a "life event" shift my focus. (2012 was a particular hard year... Cody, my oldest son, graduated and moved to Kansas to go to college!) 

Maybe I just never found my "want to" or my "why" to stick with the journey. Until March of 2014. 

Nothing particular happened in March. There wasn't an ah-ha moment that lead me to sign up for a 60 Day Weight Loss Challenge at a local gym (http://www.live-well-fit.com). I had been to this studio gym for a two-week trial last year. I didn't stick with it. (I wasn't ready... I hadn't found my "want to"). I had liked their page on Facebook and had seen the banner for the weight loss challenge. I'd started thinking about it for several days. One night, I grabbed my debit card, logged onto the website, and signed up. I remember closing my lap top afterwards and saying to myself, "no turning back now". I told my husband, "I just signed up for a weight loss challenge. Maybe it'll work this time."

Almost six months later... it's working. Little by little. Slowly but surely. At a snail's pace, it's working. Some days I still struggle to focus on my "want to", to remember my "why". (Read the last blog post.) 

I have to believe what's made this time different is... 

One- I found and I focus on my "want to" and "why". This is so important on this journey and unless your really ready, you won't succeed at this.

Two- the support of those around me. My family, friends, and workout partners. They know I am determined and I know they won't let me fail this time.

Three... The trainers at Live Well Fit. Enough said. I could not do this without them.

This past weekend while out of town, there was a full length mirror in our hotel room I could not avoid. While getting ready for the day, I glanced at the mirror beside me. My full-length body in view... and for the first time in a very long time, I thought something positive. "My butt looks smaller". I turned forward facing my reflection. "My hips and thighs, too". Hmm.... Maybe this is working." Then I put on my jeans and noticed they were a little more loose. A hallelujah, can I get an amen?!? moment for sure! ; )

More than that, it was shutting out the little voice in my head that beats me down rather than builds me up. And that my friends, is the best kind of progress that I'll ever experience on this journey. 

March 2014/June 2014

Sept 2014

If you would like more information on Live Well Fit, let me know! The next 60 Day Weight Loss Challenge is coming up next month! If you have your "why" and your "want to" and you are ready... this is your life-changing moment! I will be there with you along the way! 

~jen

Plateaus and Frustrations

This weight loss journey is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done.

It's exhausting.

It's frustrating.

It's overwhelming.

It's all consuming.

It starts in the morning and it doesn't stop until I go to bed. 

It's meal planning.

It's fighting.

It's working out, but not working out too much.

It's trying to stay off the scale.

It's trying to celebrate the smallest percentage loss of body fat.

It's having patience with myself.

It's a learning curve.

It's crying.

It's saying no.

It's heavier weights.

It's making time for working out. 

It's sweaty workout bras and socks.

It's blisters.

It's new shoes.

It's emotional.

It's getting up at 4:30 in the morning. 

It's to count calories or to not count calories.

It's believing beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

It's not comparing my body to someone else's. 

It's avoiding fast food.

It's spiritual.

It's calorie burning.

It's feeling beautiful even when you may never hear those words from the one it would mean the most from. 

It's eating the right combination of foods at the right time. 

It's food journaling. 

It's standing in front of the mirror attempting to see the qualities within the reflection.

It's trusting the advice of your trainers when they tell you to slow down, when all you feel like you should do is go harder. 

It's believing value isn't defined by a number.

It's (unfortunately) forever. Because if I don't make it forever, I'll end up right where I started.

It's wanting to give up.

These last few weeks have been the most frustrating with little to no measurable weight loss on the scale, despite greatly increasing the intensity and frequency of my workouts. My diet has remained (mostly) healthy. Yes, there were cheat meals. An unhealthy I-should-have-picked-something-else-better-to-eat food. But my goodness, I'm going to eat something that's not healthy every once in a while! That's LIFE!

So how do you press on when you feel as though you are a hamster running in a spinning wheel that goes no where? How do you stay focused? How do you keep the drive and determination? How do you accept that the goal you had in place by a certain date may not be reached? How do you not give up? 

If you have answers to those questions or even the magical fix... by all means, please share. 

I started this blog to journal this journey. I'm on the downhill side of about to be 40. Just two months and a few days to go. I had a weight goal in my mind that I may not reach. I don't know that it necessarily means I've failed. My goal was to be fit by 40. I'm more fit, less fat. Maybe that will still count? ; )

My reminder of what I'm giving up if I don't keep going:

Latest numbers:

weight: 226

pounds lost:17

inches lost: 18

body fat: 36.9% (starting: 45.6%)

BMI: 37.6 (starting: 40.5)

Another day, another emotional step on this journey. And hopefully soon... a step off this plateau I seem to be on and another start to an upward climb to meet my goals. 

Pressing on... (not giving up)

~jen

Just Say Thank You

Thank you: noun; polite expression of one's gratitude.

Two words that are so easy to say. Most of the time....

Someone holds the door open- "thank you".

Caden carries out the trash- "thank you".

Michael brings home toilet paper- "thank you".

Then there is a conversation that occurs this morning...

You look so good! (I roll my eyes and say)... "Oh... but I still have this (grabbing behind) and this (grabbing stomach). Ugh". 

I couldn't simply say the words thank you and validate the sweet friend who has been one of my most supportive encouragers through this weight loss journey. I completely dismissed the praise she offered! Why? 

Why is it so hard to just say thank you to a compliment? Why do I continue to focus on the negatives and imperfections? Why can't I be proud of how far I've come? 

To my sweet friend (Becky), thank you for your compliment. Forgive me for not saying thank you for not only your compliment, but for your continued support and encouragement! 

~jen

Pressing on

I weighed in today and I'm down another three pounds. Not really anything to get excited about, but it's still a loss.

I've lost some of my momentum over the last few weeks. While I've stuck to mostly clean foods, old habits and poor food choices have begun to sneak back into the routine. Well, there's really no sneaking back, I've allowed it. It's me making the choices.

I've changed up my workout routine and have found that I have to work out in the mornings rather than the evenings. That's what works best for me. So it's back to the 5AM workouts! 

Now's the time to find my "want to" again. It's still there, just need to bring it back to the forefront of my thoughts. I've slipped too many times to count. Don't want this to be another one to count. 

141 days and counting until the big birthday. 

Pressing on...

~jen

What is this crap?

I'm sure that is what my body is saying after this weekend's vacation. For the last 50-something days, I've given up all fast foods, fried foods, and processed foods. Not being prepared this weekend with healthy options, I've settled for not so healthy foods and my body is turning on me! I am so ready to get back home where I feel in control! I'm planning a clean-eating and Shakeology cleanse for the next few days to get all this junk out of my system. I've also missed hitting the gym this weekend and even though I'm not feeling well (sinus and ear infections), I'm ready to get back to my workout routine! 

This is a lesson learned moment. Future vacation plans will be made differently. I will pack healthy foods and snacks. I will make sure hotels we stay at offer refrigerators, or even better stay at hotels that have mini-kitchens! 

I really can't believe the correlation between eating crap and feeling like crap! Once you give up those foods, your body does not want them back ever again! Believe me! 

~jen 

60 Day Challenge Results

Almost 60 days ago I committed to a weight loss challenge at Live Well Fit. My life has changed in ways I never imagined. 

I've struggled, cried, fought, been challenged, but I survived. I've learned that I deserve to make time for me. I've found a strength that has been buried for years. I found a desire to get up for those 5 AM workouts and strength to add an evening workout most days. I've pushed through workouts that I never thought I'd be able to finish. I've met some of the most amazing women along the way.

I'm not where I want to be just yet, but I'm closer than I was almost 60 days ago.

Left: March 17, 2014

Weight: 243.2 pounds

Body Fat: 45.6%

BMI: 40.5

Right: May 8, 2014

Weight: 231.4 pounds

Body Fat: 38.3%

BMI: 38.4

Results:

Weight loss: 11.8 pounds

Inches lost: 14.5 inches

Body Fat: Down 7.3

BMI: Down 2.1

Let me tell you, it takes a ton of courage to post my weight and that my body fat percentage was 45.6%! Almost half my body weight was fat! It's so embarrassing to share these numbers. But this is real. This is me.

I started this blog January 17, 2013. It's been an open and honest journey with many "starting over" posts. Maybe, just maybe this time will be different.

I won't know if I won the challenge until Tuesday evening at our final meeting. 

Even if I don't win the cash prize, I've already won. I've won confidence, strength, courage, desire, friendships, and maybe I'll inspire someone else to start their own weight loss journey. 

Many thanks to each of you who have encouraged me along the way. 

~jen

Day 41

I've battled my weight for the last 22 years. Twenty-two years. 

In high school I thought I was fat. Especially my senior year. I have my senior prom dress and graduation outfit still hanging in my closet. They are size 11/12. I weighed 128# in May of 1993. 

May 1993

I'd like to go back and tell my 17 year old self she was not "fat". If the 17 year old Jennifer only knew where she'd be 22 years later... oh the heartache I could have saved her. 

There's lots of things I wish I could go back and do over. I wish I hadn't spent the last 22 years yo-yoing with my weight. I can't even begin to count how many times I started a weight loss journey, only to stumble and fall. Then inevitably gain back lost pounds plus tack on a few extras. I've probably lost and gained the same 20-30 pounds 10 times! At my heaviest (2012), I weighed 268 pounds. 

Every once in a while I'll pull out that prom dress and graduation outfit. The memories of those moments come flooding back. Even though I felt like I was "fat" then, it didn't keep that fearless spirit from shining. I miss that spirit. Over the years it's been overshadowed by insecurities. Tears in a fitting room as I try on larger and larger sized clothing. Fear of walking into a trendy boutique store to discover they don't carry clothes in my size. Humiliation. Two words... family photos. Trying to hide behind my children. There's no hiding now as one is 6'2" and the other will soon be as tall as me! I don't like shopping with my skinnier friends because I have to shop in a "special" area of the store. Mirrors. I have to be at the back of the gym during aerobics. The list goes on and on. 

Every new year... the same resolution... lose weight. That's 22 years of failed resolutions.

I think this battle has gone on long enough and it's time to make real and lasting changes both inside and outside.

Lysa TerKeurst writes in Made to Crave, 

"I was made for more than to be stuck in a viscious cycle of defeat." 

Deuteronomy 2:3, "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north." 

It's time to stop circling my mountain.

41 days ago I signed up for a weight loss challenge through Live Well Fit (a local, women's only gym). 

41 days ago I met the most amazing fitness instructor who has challenged me, encouraged me, and changed me. 

I've journaled every bite of food, planned or unplanned. I've worked out harder and more consistently than I ever have. I've stuck to mostly "clean" foods. No McDonalds, Chick fil A, or Sonic. I've cut out eating out, with the exception of a meal or two with coworkers, friends, and family meals. I've begun preparing healthy meals at home. My pantry no longer carries a wide variety of processed, packaged junk. My fridge is kept full of fruits, veggies, and protein rich foods. Water is my go to drink. Shakeology has completely changed my morning breakfast routine! 

In 41 days, I've lost 11.2 pounds and 11.25 inches.

We've heard all along that the success to lasting weight loss is clean eating and exercise. I don't even like to use the word diet. It's a lifestyle change. Nothing is forbidden or "bad"... everything is allowed in moderation and is portion controlled. Life isn't about carrot sticks and counting calories. Life is enjoying the foods we consume, not being consumed by food. 

There's a voice in my head that keeps telling me I've been here before and I've failed. There's a constant fear of failing. What if this time isn't any different than all the other times I tried to lose the weight before?  But... what if I don't fail? What if I succeed this time? That fear of failing keeps me in check... keeps me from pulling into a fast food place and ordering a hamburger and fries. It keeps me going to those 5AM workouts and walking 4 miles. It keeps me on course.

I don't know what the future holds.  I'll be honest and confess that I'm scared for this challenge to end. I'm scared old habits will sneak their way in. I'm scared of failing. 

I started this blog as a diary of this weight loss journey. My fitness instructor keeps telling me that I will inspire someone through this process. Maybe. I just want to be better than I was yesterday. I have less than seven months until my 40th birthday.  I can't wait to see what the 40 year old Jennifer looks like. I hope she's happier, healthier, and fearless. 

~jen

60 Day Challenge

A year ago I was getting ready for my very first 5K, The Color Run in Dallas with my sisters-in-law.  What dreams and hopes I had for the year ahead of me.  Almost 365 days later... I'm where I was a year ago (three pounds heavier), but where could I have been had I stuck to my plan?  I yo-yoed back and forth throughout the spring and summer. Falling off the proverbial weight loss wagon, only to pick myself back up, along with a few extra pounds I gained and get back on track for a short period of time, then the cycle would inevitably repeat itself. I completed the Amarillo Color Run in June carrying 11 pounds more than I had in April! 

As I look back through this blog, all I see are the "getting back on track" followed by the "starting over" posts. (It's really embarrassing!)

The goal of this blog was to document my struggle, my hope, my determination, of getting fit by the time I turn 40. We're almost into April, which leaves me a little more than seven months to reach my goal! Tick-tock, tick-tock. 

Here I am again "starting over". I've signed up for a 60 Day Challenge at a local gym (Live Well Fit). I'm into my second week of 5:00 AM workouts. Meal planning. Clean-eating. Water-guzzling. I'm hopeful. Maybe this time it'll be different?  I'm tired of yo-yoing through life. I'm so very tired of this body I carry everyday. I want more for myself. I want to find that bubbly, free-spirited girl I once was. It's more than a number on a scale. It's about confidence. It's about happiness. It's about being comfortable in my own skin. It's about being healthy. 

~jen